"I've got this killer up inside of me... I can't talk to my mother, (friends, women, coworkers, associates, affiliates, city council, the internets, the homeless or even your mother) so I talk to my diary."

-that Scarface song from Office Space

The Ecosystem’s greatest threat: Sports Games

Wrecked oil rigs.
Limp Bizkit.
Enemies of the environment and some, effigies for the eco-friendly green crowd to crap on and burn. But I haven’t heard a statement from one of them asking: ‘what in the hell is happening to the million-plus copies of last years Madden game?’ Gamestop buys them for pesos from the unwitting sap who shells out a now sixty clams every year, just to pilot a 100% accurate roster of that years teams. Then they proceed to sell those copies for pennies, because not one of these games is unique enough for someone to want to: A) purchase ’08’ exclusively over any others, or B) collect them all, unless they are an EA shill.

Considering how overstocked with used copies of Sonic Heroes and Devil May Cry 2 any game store will be, they cannot reasonably house a ‘Fort Knox’ containing a fraction of the units of the Madden games sold every ‘last year’ (and the 2K Sports line amongst a few others) and before.

I want to know where these games go. A hole in the ground behind the Titty Twister? As Cheech’s character says, ‘one place is as good as another.’ But I don’t think vampires are dumb enough to be satiated with these games. So they must be thrown, en masse, into rivers and lakes, killing near-extinct aquatic life upon impact and then, progressively poisoning nearby wildlife with the stench of asinine gaming garbage.

So while new-wave hippies and tree-huggers hug trees and new-wave about, pointing fingers at loggers and power plants who make their whinny, pants-wetting lives easier (Whole Foods still prints their receipts on paper last I was there, so you might as well discontinue wiping your ass with that ‘better than thou’ guilt hand), millions of games that people, including the morons who bought them year after year, disregard and forget are being… I don’t know. Burned? Then you are now breathing them. Dumped in the river? Now your drinking them. Buried? Now your dead grandmother is playing them bored, wishing she could be alive just to try out LittleBIGPlanet with you.

But no one asks this question. Hippies are to busy railing against land fills to care anyway. I guess they would rather these games end up in the river.

Instead of spatting at the stereotypical, plaid-wearing, axe-wielding logger, why don’t we all just instead hate jock douche-bags then. Not all jocks are douche-bags, but they become a douche-bag when they, too lazy to actively participate in a sport that they in high school gave up their whole social being to but weren’t good enough to do professionally, resort to play Madden. Year by year, inch by inch, line by line.

And you know, the air is a little more plasticized these days because of those bros.

-Tuesday, December 02, 2008

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