"I've got this killer up inside of me... I can't talk to my mother, (friends, women, coworkers, associates, affiliates, city council, the internets, the homeless or even your mother) so I talk to my diary."

-that Scarface song from Office Space

How to use it

The Ripened Durian Award

HOW TO USE IT

I

  • The human who’s name is written on this page shall be the recipient of the Ripened Durian Award.
  • The human who awards a Ripened Durian Award to a potential nominee can neither go to Heaven nor Hell.
  • A person who curses at or ad hominem attacks their nominee based on something outside of the issue has invalidated their own pursuit of a potential winner of the Ripened Durian Award. Others may pursue this nominee, however.
  • All nominees for the Ripened Durian Award must be addressed in terms of what they say; assumptions about irrelevant traits such as sex and race are only to be explored for the sake of determining bias, for the nomination to not be invalidated.
  • A person who attempts strictly to anger or intimidate a potential candidate by ridicule or ribaldry stated with no apparent argument by way of irony or satire invalidates their own pursuit of the nominee.
  • At least one exchange of dialogue (written or verbal) must take place between the nominee and the nominator before a Ripened Duran Award can be given; the “winning” statement from the nominee must be provided by screen capture or recorded audio for posterity.
  • All names of nominees that, due to a failure on part of the nominator in choosing a proper target can not be awarded, must still be documented.
  • If a person, after multiple dialogue exchanges, gets a nominee to apologize or empathize with them by calling out the nominee as a “sexist” or a “racist,” by way of a defensive diatribe, can then grant the Ripened Durian Award to that nominee; If the candidate empathizes with the nominator for reasons not based on sexual or racial reasons, an award can not be given.
  • The use of patronizing or manipulative language towards a nominee does not invalidate an individual’s pursuit of a nominee; it is in fact encouraged, for the express use of manipulating eventual responses from more discerning candidates.
  • The use of multiple pseudonyms is recommended when contacting nominees who express a more than obvious bias; new persona can be established to cross examine a candidate when the nominator sees fit.
  • When writing an issuance of the Ripened Durian Award, all pronouns used in reference to the gender or participating parties are subjective and only based on the nominator’s speculation of the person’s gender unless it has been confirmed somewhere outside of private discussion by a third party; thus, for example, “he” and “she” in reference to any parties written here will be, outside of this confirmation, taken as interchangeable and irrelevant.
  • As an addendum to the previous rule, a nominator is recommended to disguise his or her sex and race for purposes of receiving unbiased criticism for candidates and for use in objective arguing; for nominees who’s established pseudonyms betray their sex or race by name or photograph, leave is given to convince the candidate of their anonymity by any deceit necessary to bring said candidate as far from bias as possible.

II

  • A person who constantly talks about themselves in person or in print is a potential nominee for the Ripened Durian Award, especially if the context more often than not showcases their person as a powerless objector.
  • A person who uses social media to form an echo chamber of defense against any criticism of their words or actions is a potential nominee for the Ripened Durian Award.
  • A person who consistently argues politics and social activism using examples in modern art exclusively (including satire and electronic visual media), especially if this person is not actively involved in the field they are criticizing,┬áis a potential nominee for the Ripened Durian Award.
  • A person who is bigoted against a certain demographic but with their words (verbal or text) claim to be representing egalitarianism for the sake of capitalizing on the current media bias against another demographic┬áis a potential nominee for the Ripened Durian Award.
  • No one with “a household name” can be nominated for a Ripened Durian Award. This is due to the need for high profile persons to “save face” in areas where money or prestige are on the line, thus making it near impossible to get genuine reactions from them. The phrase “household name” is subjective and will remain debatable in terms of potential nominees, however.
  • “Some animals are more equal than others.” If this simple statement can quantify a person’s semi-political statement about proper societal norms, then that person is a potential nominee for the Ripened Durian Award.
  • In determining a potential nominee, it is suggested to use an inverse “Bechdel Test”: if an individual frequently discusses politics or social activism, but only with like minded-people, and is unable to attempt at making cogent points without resorting to “buzzwords” (such as, but not limited to “privilege,” “sexist,” “victim,” “oppression,” “rape,” and “shaming”) which subtly paint themselves on the “right side” of the “issue,” while also shutting down discussion when the use of those words is challenged, this individual is more likely than not a shoe-in for the Ripened Durian Award.

III

  • If the person who awards a Ripened Durian to a nominee fails to consecutively post screen-captured follow-up tweets or quotes from the winner in the comments section below the award within 13 days of each other, the award presenter will die.
  • After a Ripened Durian is awarded to a nominee, civility with the winning individual no longer needs be upheld.
  • New rules may be posted as long as they seek to narrow down the nominee demographic for the Ripened Durian Award, not increase it.

I: @winnersusedrugs

II: @Spainkiller

III: @kenlowery

IV: Melissa A. Fabello

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